Articles

The Key to Good Working Relationships

How do I get people to...?

Want to include me in important discussions
Ask for my advice
Be receptive to my ideas
Want to invest time in developing me
Understand and value me
Delegate important roles and responsibilities
Root for me
Feel comfortable working with me

How do I prevent people from…?

Being resistant or defensive
Rooting against me
Viewing me as a threat
Not noticing me
Not wanting to spend the time to get to know me
Discounting or dismissing my contribution

The way people respond to you depends on the emotional impact your behavior has on them. Everything you do or say moves an emotional needle either positively or negatively. This includes intentional, conscious behavior and unintentional, unconscious behavior.

For example, have you ever been congratulated by a person whose words express fond wishes but whose tone of voice, body language and facial expression convey insincerity and envy? Then you know how your own emotional needle can move from positive to negative based on just one look.

We aggregate the overall direction of the needle movements in an ‘impression database’ for each person. An impression quickly leads us to respond more or less positively. While this is a major oversimplification, the point is that working relationships are influenced not by your intended impact, but on how your behavior is actually experienced by other people, which includes powerful messages you may not be aware of sending. The littlest things you do can become the basis for lasting impressions, especially when you first enter an organization as a blank slate.

So what can you do to move the emotional needle in a positive direction?

The emotional needle moves to positive or negative to the extent to which your behavior supports or frustrates six universal human needs.
The six basic needs are:

Basic Need	The Need to Feel…
Basic Trust	I trust that you are who you say you are. I don’t have to watch my back. Your behavior reflects integrity, candor and high moral and ethical standards. I feel secure in knowing that you are sincere, have good intentions, and my best interests at heart.
Understood	I feel understood in terms of the content, what it means to me and how I feel about it.
Valued	I am appreciated for what I do and who I am. I am perceived as making a difference, adding value, and contributing to something important.
Included	I am invited into the inner circle, one of the gang, a vital part of the community or team.
Respected	I am treated in a way that recognizes my status, experience, knowledge, territory, authority, values, traditions, customs, and preferences, whether I am a mailroom clerk or CEO!
Autonomous	I feel free to make my own decisions and not have someone else’s decisions imposed on me. I feel I run my own life. I am treated democratically rather than dictatorially. I have ownership for my work and its outcome.

When these needs are supported, the result is a strong working relationship. Conversely, almost all resistance and ‘friction’ can be understood as a reaction to the violation of one or more of the six basic needs. Once you identify the specific need or needs that have been frustrated, you can take action to support them.